In the last six weeks, I have begun to learn what it means to be heartsick.

When my day ends, I shut down my computer and pack it into a roller bag. A roller bag is easier for the walk home than the shoulder bag that pulls my back down

down

down

with my spirit.

It’s unseasonably cold out. Why am I wearing a winter coat and mittens in April? At least it keeps everyone inside, say the silver lining people.

I have a slight headache. Why are Zoom meetings so tiring?

A noise in the corridor startles me.

Am I safe in this corridor at night?

Why is this hall so dark?

How did this passage ever seem friendly?

I look down corridors so dark that they are like tunnels.

Do you hear these questions?

One at a time, they pound at my heart.

My phone rrriinnggs.

A text pings.

A swooossh from my computer heralds another message.

 

Without the light from the sky outside my window, I am disoriented.

The diplomas on my wall, the certificates…even the pictures of my children are distorted.

Each of these small disturbances collects in my brain.

I push them away,

Without realizing that I am only pushing them toward my heart.

 

That’s when I realize:

What the brain can’t sort, the heart keeps.

What the heart keeps makes it heavy and sick.

I walk home with a heavy heart, heartsick.

2 thoughts on “My COVID-19 Journal – Day 38, 39

  1. Peggy says:

    Good morning Gail, first belated happy birthday.
    I read each of your blogs, I think that it is brave and kind of you to share your thoughts, daily challenges and triumphs. In this time of Covid-19 or not the possibility of each person having a down feeling day is real, it is part of our journey through life. Some of these days, the depth of the down is deeper than others. In the end we start the climb back up. Sometimes the climb is quick, sometimes slow or we get stuck, or we slip back, but we keep trying…..
    I remember something Betty told me when I was young (she probably forgets) it was; “Life is like an ice cream cone you have to learn to lick it.”
    We are extremely fortunate to have family,friends and co-workers to help, rely on and rejuvenate us along the way.

    1. drgailbeck says:

      Peggy, it’s great to hear from you. Thank you for reading my blog so faithfully. It means a lot to me. That’s a good thought about the ice cream cone – I’ll think of that the next time I’m having a difficult day.

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