It’s Not Your Fault

I am thinking about families today, and especially the families of those who have attempted or completed suicide. Suicide is the most serious consequence of having a mental illness and a suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts are always reminders of how dangerous a mental illness can be.

When someone dies of a suicide attempt, those who know and loved them suddenly become victims of the stigma that continues to plague mental illness. How does that stigma manifest itself?

The stigma is evident in the fact that most family members and friends will ask themselves, “Was there something more I should have done?” For the most part, if your mother or your sister or your child dies of cardiac arrest or cancer, you do not ponder the circumstances, concerned that you were neglectful or remiss. But suicide and suicide attempts are different in that there are always lingering doubts about what signs we might have missed. We go over final statements and conversations, finding meanings that we believe we should have caught.

I want very much for everyone reading this, who has had someone close to them lose their life because of suicide, to read the next sentence carefully, knowing it is the most important thing to remember about suicide and suicide attempts.

It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. The problem is that suicide and suicide attempts are symptoms of a serious mental illness.

I wanted to emphasize those sentences and that paragraph above, but I mean this plea to be gentle, a reminder of how insidious mental illness can be. Mental illness has a different contagion. It is as if we can catch the guilt and low self esteem of our loved one from their suicide or suicide attempt. No other illness does this.

Next week, January 31, is Bell Let’s Talk Day. Already the Commercials are playing, raising awareness about mental illness more effectively than any other campaign. During the campaign, we will hear from people with great courage who speak about their mental illness, in voices that systematically work against the stigma that still marks the afflicted.

The suicide rate in Canada is 11.5 people per 100,000. The number of family members and friends affected by these deaths is too extensive to capture. Probably about one third of us have been affected by a suicide or a serious suicide attempt.

I am thinking about those of us who have been affected by a death by suicide or a suicide attempt. I am writing this so that we remind ourselves not to be infected by the contagion of stigma, not to fall into the trap of thinking that we were at fault for a death by suicide or a suicide attempt. I want us to remind each other, because I find it hard to remember this on my own.

(Note: Tabitha Suzuma is a British author of fiction for young adults. This image is from Pinterest.)

3 thoughts on “It’s Not Your Fault

  1. Hi Dr. Gail Beck, thank you for promoting awareness of how mental illness can become seriously dangerous from hurting yourself to committing suicide. A couple of years ago, a cousin of mine committed suicide, and left a note saying that nobody was responsible for his suicide. May he RIP.

  2. Gail, thank you for this reminder. It is something I struggle with a lot.

    Cathy Cleary Art Director/Graphic Designer 705-345-3878 cell | 705-686-3878 office Sent from my iPad

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